Stuck

Don’t you absolutely hate being stuck? I’m talking emotionally, mind you, not physically – although being physically stuck someplace would also probably be really unfortunate. But if you’re stuck somewhere emotionally, it’s usually a lot more complicated to unstick yourself.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had this problem. It usually starts with a decision that results after you realize your stuck-ness. Okay, you think to yourself, the only way to unstick myself right now is to make a decision that will carry me one way or the other. You then make said decision, feeling confident. This is okay, you tell yourself, I can get out of this. I have made a decision, and I will now walk confidently in the direction that decision leads me. No looking back, no regrets, just straight forward motion. 

… Who the hell are we kidding here?

Unless you’re a robot, or the decision was really easy to make (and if it was then you probably weren’t that stuck in the first place), you will inevitably look back. At least once. You will inevitably have at least one tiny little regret, somewhere along the line. And you might find that your once purposeful stride in the direction of your decision turns more into a walk that resembles the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz before his joints get oiled. Jerky, uncoordinated, swinging from one side to the other without a clear idea of why, and desperately wishing that you could just walk forward in a straight line like a normal person. 

At present, I am in the Tin Man portion of my journey to unstick myself. One minute I’m absolutely certain of my resolve, congratulating myself on my general awesomeness. The next minute I’m fairly certain I’m going to die before I ever get far enough along the path to be legitimately free of “the stuck”. What if the stuck follows me forever? What if I am constantly waffling back and forth on whether or not I made the right decision? What if what I want and what I deserve are never the same thing? What if I just lost my best shot? 

So many questions, gentle readers, so many questions.

But until they are answered, I continue wobbling in the general direction of my decision like a lost, drunken sorority girl, hoping that eventually I will go far enough along the path that when I turn around, I won’t be able to see what I was walking away from. 

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