“It’s a Self-Preservation Thing, You See”

I have no sense of self-preservation at all. 

I mean, obviously it’s not healthy to completely surround yourself with walls and never let anyone in (poetically emo, maybe, but not healthy), but having a complete lack of emotional filter is also not a good idea, particularly when it comes to anyone with whom you have a history. 

The latter is my apparent affliction. 

I make all these promises to myself when it comes to dealing with past relationships. “Oh, he’ll never know how I really feel.” “Oh, he’ll never know how much I’m still hurting”. Because I’m tough, and I’ll lie. Because sometimes lying is actually the best way to go (no seriously, sometimes it is). 

Do I follow through on these tough, dishonesty-centric plans?
Never.

It’s not like I become a weeping cry baby, it’s just that I am apparently unable to *not* say what I’m feeling. I generally put it out there in a droll, sarcastic manner, mocking my own weakness because I find it disgusting. But it’s still out there. Like word vomit (yay Mean Girls). 

If I was a normal human being with a sense of self-preservation, I wouldn’t share these things. I wouldn’t stand proverbially naked in front of whoever “he” happens to be, spouting this, that and the other thing. Because it’s just plain idiotic. Why, you may ask? Well, allow me to outline the following possible outcomes of this scenario: 

1. Pity.
I cannot actually put into words how much I loathe being pitied by anyone. But the fact is that if you’re waxing poetic to your ex about some sort of emotional weakness, pity is a very possible outcome on his end. He’ll feel bad for you in a sort of “pat on the head” kind of way. Now maybe this doesn’t bother some people, but I absolutely can’t stand it. It makes me feel simultaneously nauseous and like I need to go punch someone to prove I can take care of myself and do not in fact need the aforementioned pity. 

2.   Anger. 
This outcome is likely to happen if you’re going on and on to someone when you’re actually the one who dumped *them*. It’s a natural reaction, really. If you throw someone away and then waltz back in talking about what a big mistake you’ve made, you’re likely to get sucker punched. In this case, the best advice I have is to simply lay in the bed you made. There’s a reason you dumped him in the first place. Remember said reason. But once again, if you’re at all like me, this advice still won’t help you keep your mouth shut. Because maybe you miss him, or there’s just one more thing you need to say (and let’s face it, that ‘one more thing’ is never really just one).  It won’t end well, I promise you. 

3. Bad Decisions. 
You’re not really in danger here unless you start to bare all and find your words reciprocated with a simple “I feel the same way”. This means trouble. This means you should run. Because inevitably, something is going to happen between you and the person on whom you’re word vomiting, and the chances are that you’re going to regret it. Sure, maybe it seems like the answer to everything at the time, but it is not that simple. It will complicate things, it will bring up more feelings, and before you know it you’ll end up spewing even MORE word vomit onto this poor soul as a result of what’s just happened between the two of you. It will not be pretty. It will be ugly.

4. Apathy.
What’s worse than being loved or hated? Being nothing-ed. That’s right, ladies and gents, apathy. The worst reaction to an unhealthy display of feelings that can possibly be imagined. At least if you are reacted to with pity, anger, or bad decisions, you know that the person to whom you’re blabbering has some sort of feelings about you, be they negative or positive. But apathy? To rip your heart out, throw it at someone’s feet and simply hear them say “Oh”? 
Horrifying. 

So as you can tell, none of these options are good. That is to say, nothing at all good comes from lacking a sense of self-preservation. And the worst part is that once you’re done saying every single little thing that’s been on your mind, you’ll have nothing left. You’ll feel like a pitcher of beer a frat boy has just chugged.

And, like a one night stand with someone you met in a bar in Tijuana, you will wake up filled with regrets.

 

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