Well okay, technically I think it’s 92.
On November 1st, I came to a decision. No men in my life for the next 3 months. Between November 1st and February 1st there will be no dating, no random make outs in bars, no boyfriends, no nothing.
Once upon a time, I was completely happy being single. A boyfriend would have been nice, but I had no particular longing for one. I was complete without my “other half”. Then, one way or another, I ended spending the past 3 years of my life in relationships. Three years. In the scheme of things, that’s not a terribly long time. But right now? Well, it’s been so long since I’ve been on my own that I don’t remember what it felt like to be happy about it. And the funny thing about being single is that no one expects you to be happy about it. They expect you to be looking for a man.
My current state? Miserable. Not miserable enough that I’m seriously concerned about myself, it’s more the kind of misery that compels me to get out of bed in the morning and stride with determination through my day, congratulating myself before I go to bed on the fact that I have continued to both exist and smile, and I am not dead. Because if I take things day by day, then surely, gradually, each day will get better. All I have to do is wake up in the morning and know I won’t feel this way forever.
My desired state? Well, obviously, happy. It’s not as though I’m sad for every second of every day. Sometimes I’m extremely happy. Sometimes I’m thrilled to be me. But it’s that surface kind of happiness that doesn’t quite fill the hole in my chest entirely. And that’s the sort of happiness I want. Feeling complete just in being myself.
I firmly believe that you can’t be truly happy with anyone else until you’re happy with yourself. That’s how successful relationships work. You lean on each other when you need to, but you don’t rely on each other for your sense of self worth. That needs to come only from you.
And honestly, it’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves. Have you ever tried? Have you ever spent every ounce of energy you have trying to make the person you love see that they are a worthwhile, incredible human being, knowing all the while that no matter what you say they aren’t going to believe you?
I think we’ve all been through that. I think we’ve all probably been on the other side of that conversation too.
So, off I go. 90 days of man-less-ness. I doubt that the next 3 months will lead me to any sort of grand epiphany, but I firmly believe that they will lead me in a good direction.
I don’t need someone next to me reminding me that I’m worth loving. I need to remind myself.