I have more or less been dreading this holiday season since Halloween passed and Thanksgiving began to creep toward me (mind you, Thanksgiving itself was EPIC). This is my first holiday season alone in three years – two of those years spent with someone who I very nearly married. And so I trudged toward jingling bells and mistletoe like a prisoner trudging toward a death sentence. Reluctantly, but with an understanding that I couldn’t stop it. The holidays would come, regardless. And I was destined to spend lonely nights crying myself to sleep when the joyful distractions of the day were done.
Not so, my gentle readers!
As it happens, you CAN happily survive the holidays single. You just need two things:
1. Crazy friends who love you with everything they have
2. Some good liquor
The thing is, my schedule is so jam-packed with wonderful plans and amazing people that I honestly haven’t had the time to feel sad. A twinge here and there? Sure. What girl doesn’t allow herself a moment to wallow while listening to Adele in the car? But on the whole … I don’t know. I think I’m healing.
I’ve been feeling a sort of lightness lately – the lightness that comes with realizing that you’re letting go of something that you never thought you’d want to let go of. It’s a sense of freedom, and I’m reveling in it.
The idea that I could actually be happy – truly happy, not “more or less happy considering all the shit that’s happened” happy – is kind of blowing my mind. It’s giving me hope. For the past 7 months I’ve been living my life under the general assumption that I couldn’t achieve real happiness anymore. That it wasn’t in the cards for me, and that I would always have to settle for being more or less happy, “considering it all”. The truth is that I set my standards of happiness lower than I used to, because I figured I just couldn’t get to a good place again. It sounds so emo, doesn’t it? But I just figured that the best of the best was gone, and I was only left with whatever pieces of myself I could salvage.
But I was wrong, and I feel happy tonight as I write this. Because I thought it was all over, and now I’m sort of seeing a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I could actually, honestly, really be okay.
Things are still far from perfect. That guy I almost married? Yeah, still working on getting myself together after that one. It’s going to take some work, and it’s not the sort of work you can schedule. But for the first time, I really feel like I can do it.
It’s a Christmas miracle, kids.
Looks like I’m going to make it to the other side.