Restless

I think I’m going stir crazy.

I have no idea what it is about my life lately, but I can’t seem to shake that feeling you get in school when it’s 5 minutes until the end of your last class on a Friday, and you’re worried the professor is going to go over time. Restlessness. It’s killing me. 

And it’s not as though I haven’t been busy. I thought at first that it was something like cabin fever, but I’ve been to Chicago and Oxford in the past two weekends, and I’ll be in NYC over Easter. My schedule is full. I’m doing things. I’m going places. 

It’s not helping. 

I just can’t shake that cliched feeling that something big is about to happen, and I’m sitting here waiting for it. But I have no idea what “it” is, and that’s the worst part. What am I waiting for, exactly? And what if I’m not really waiting for anything, and end up wasting my time away because I think something is coming that isn’t? 

Maybe I’m just floating around in uncertainty, waiting to find something to be certain about. A job, a person, an idea, anything at all. Some central point around which to ground my life, however small or obscure that central point might be. 

It’s sort of like the part in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (if you haven’t read it, you should. It’s hilarious) when Arthur can’t grasp that the world is gone, so he starts off by comprehending that every Humphrey Bogart movie ever made has been wiped from existence. After he grasps that and understands it, he widens the scope. You sort of need one thing to start with – one absolute, certain thing in your life. In theory, I feel like I have that. Nothing is particularly unstable, it’s just not globbing together quite the way I feel like it should. Something’s gotta give, as they say. And patience has never been a strong suite of mine, so the waiting game is killing me. 

I just feel, for lack of a better word, “meh”. Nothing is particularly bad, but nothing is utterly fantastic either. That’s the thing that gets me. It’s been ages since I’ve really felt something. And I’m a firm believer that the whole point of life is to feel everything you can. Have emotions, be excited, be miserable, be thrilled, be passionate, be angry, all that good stuff that colors our lives with something other than the mediocrity of gray. 

Talk to me, universe. I’m dying here. 

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