Here is the thing that terrifies me most about relationships: Sacrifices.
It’s odd that I have this fear, because when it comes to my friends and family, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them. I’ll gladly sacrifice sleep, money and sanity to make someone I love feel better if they’re down and out.
But romantic relationships – real, serious ones – seem to require a different type of sacrifice. And I think the reason that scares me so much is because I was once ready and willing to sacrifice all of my dreams so that I could help my significant other make his dreams come true.
And you know what? It was shit. I just didn’t realize it.
I have a lot of big plans for my life, and I’m scared of relationships because I am not ready or willing to sacrifice my dreams again. And I suppose in a healthy relationship, no one would ever ask you to do that. But the even more terrifying thing is that they would never have to ask, because when you love someone, you want to make those sacrifices for them.
It’s sort of like turning into a zombie. As a regular human, the idea of eating another human’s flesh is repulsive. But once you become a zombie, all you want is human flesh. And it doesn’t seem odd to you, because that’s just how you roll.
Here’s where I think it becomes important to find a person who can keep up with you in life, not just handle you. Because if the whole love/relationship thing is going to happen, it has to be with someone who is just as insane as you are. In my case, someone who would drop everything in a minute and say “Sure, let’s go abroad for a year,” or “hey, I’m bored. Get in the car, let’s drive across America.” Someone who would push me to do those things rather than say “Do you really think that’s practical?”
Because the answer to that will inevitably be no, it isn’t practical. Because when the hell has “practical” ever been fun?
Sometimes I wonder if I want too much out of a person. If someone actually exists out there who can keep up with me, and never let things get boring (even if we’re just hanging out at home between cross-continental adventures).
And sometimes I wonder how many other people have felt just like me, but then they met someone and fell in love. And it wasn’t quite the person they thought they would be with, and maybe it was someone who was a little bit more practical.
And they made sacrifices, gladly, for the one they loved. And they lived happily ever after.
But what about everything else?
I don’t know. I’ve been blogging a lot lately. I feel like my ideas about everything are changing.