Quite frankly, I baffle myself.
I think that we’re all confused by ourselves far more than we’re confused by anyone else. And that makes sense. It’s sort of like how you can see a plot point coming a mile away when you’re reading a novel, and yet the characters remain totally oblivious. It’s easier to understand something you can observe – but you can’t observe your own life, because you’re living it.
My mind likes to play tricks on me. It took me a long time to figure that out, and sometimes I still have no idea what’s going on inside my head. I just get a feeling in the pit of my stomach, some unspoken anxiety that attaches itself to something utterly and completely random. And then it’s my job to figure out what the actual problem is, while my brain continues trying to trick me into thinking I’m worried about any number of utterly unimportant, nonexistent problems.
It gets exhausting, let me tell you. And it’s simultaneously rewarding and frustrating when I finally figure out what the real issue is.
I think we’re all ridiculously complicated. And in general we spend a lot more time with other people than we do with ourselves, so it makes sense that we often remain our greatest mystery. It makes sense that some people don’t figure out who they really are until they’re 45. Because who has the time to learn themselves back to front? Who would want to? Most people seem far more keen to get away from themselves than to know themselves. Deep down, I think we’re just afraid that we won’t like the person we get to know.
There isn’t necessarily a point to any of this, except that I recently had a eureka moment about my own little life issue of the week, and it got me thinking. I wonder how things would be different if we all decided to take the time to understand ourselves before we tried to understand another person. If everyone really knew how they worked. Would it make life more fascinating, or would it all suddenly seem less colorful? I, for one, enjoy surprising myself sometimes. Doing things I never thought I’d do, taking risks I never thought I’d take. And it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun if I already knew that I would do all of those things.
But at the same time … well, I think we all have moments when we’d give an arm and a leg to understand our own minds.