Lingerie and Some Form of Animal Ears

“In girl world, Halloween is the one night of a year when a girl can dress like a total slut, and no other girl can say anything about it.” 

It’s that time of year again- the leaves are changing, the wind is crisp, and women all over America are trying to figure out what they can put the word “sexy” in front of to create their halloween costume.

Now, I’m hardly one to judge here. Past tiny outfits of mine have included Tinkerbell, Snow White, and Velma Kelly from ‘Chicago’. There was also a fantastic year as Michael Jackson, and last year I was Han Solo. But I digress.

My question, I suppose, is why do women (myself included) feel compelled to sex it up for Halloween? Is it that we actually want to, or is it that we want men to look at us and wish they were wearing tight spandex under their pants so no one would know just how much they’re digging “sexy Hermione” (for the record … hell no. Leave Harry Potter characters out of it). 

A friend of mine and I were having a discussion in the car the other day, and it ended with us asking the question “At what age is it okay to stop dressing sexy for Halloween?”

Because it gets old, man.

Between the ages of 18 and 28 you are more or less expected, as a woman, to forgo creativity in favor of the tiniest amount of material you can get away with. The year I dressed as Michael Jackson? Totally off the reservation in the eyes of society. What the hell is a woman doing actually putting together a solid costume for this holiday? Why is she wearing PANTS and a JACKET? Why is she trying to look like a man? 
I looked awesome, let me tell you what. But I did not look sexy. 

As far as I can tell, the real drive behind the sexy Halloween costume is this: Say you’re a college girl. You want to look hot. You want to do something a little scandalous, because your diet has been working and you dig the way your abs look. You’re feeling good. But, perhaps just as importantly, you don’t want to go out to the bar in a totally awesome and creative costume only to find that every man around is hitting on “sexy Sherlock Holmes” (I shit you not, that’s a thing) and totally ignoring you. You want attention, too. Because you like attention. It makes you feel good about yourself. And when no one is stopping and staring at you or hitting on you and asking for your phone number, you start to doubt yourself. Even if your costume is brilliant. 

Darling, please. It doesn’t matter that you have a great costume. It matters that you have as little of a costume as possible. 

It’s different for men, of course. If a guy came out in nothing but a loin cloth, he would be the subject of endless mocking and hilarity. People are not surprised when men wear halloween costumes that involve a shirt and pants. Men are expected to be creative and hilarious. And probably a little ironic. In a way, they’ve got a lot more pressure. No one seriously cares what you dress like when you’re a woman, but when you’re a guy? Sheesh, you will be judged harshly. 

This year, I’m going for class over ass. But you know what? It’s actually incredibly challenging to find the costume I want in a form that isn’t halfway down the road to lingerie. I’m not trying to be a “sexy” anything (a beautiful something might be nice), but the character I do want to be has been completely changed into mini-skirts and thigh highs. I can barely find any sort of costume that could even maybe possibly be construed as accurate. 

It’s a little bit hilarious, to be honest. But it’s also a little sad. All I want is to look awesome without looking like a playboy bunny.

And that, my friends, is the impossible Halloween dream. 

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