Torn.

Hey, you there. Single person. And sure, you people in relationship-y things, too. 

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt completely torn about what you want out of life.
Yup, I thought so.

I’m at that awkward twenty-something crossroad of “Man, my life is amazing” and “Oh dear, I seem to be a bit lonely.” Not all the time, mind you. But occasionally the feeling has been known to sneak up on me.

Am I surprised? No. This is a tale as old as time. Everyone feels like this at one point or another – perhaps even at several points. But it can be incredibly infuriating to crawl around inside your own brain and find that it keeps changing itself every time you think you’ve figured out what you want.

I’m not foolish enough to take any of this too seriously. I’m 23, if I start taking things seriously now I’ll be dead by the time I’m 40. But that doesn’t really solve the present dilemma, because being torn is being torn (even when you have a sense of humor about it). 

I love my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, and that includes my independence. After my nearly-got-married scare a few years ago, I’ve adjusted to the life of a “dater”. I go out, I see people. Sometimes I have amazing dates, sometimes I have terrible ones (to read an account of one such hilariously terrible date, click here. You will laugh). But I go out, and it’s great. About 95% of the time, I’m thrilled. 

But then there’s that pesky 5%. Because let’s face it, we’re all human. And human-type people tend to like being around other human-type people. So, on occasion, I get lonely. That’s where the whole “being torn” thing comes in, because I’m caught between thinking “Man, I am so lucky to be dating around right now” and “Damn, it would really be nice to have someone who loves me”. You know what I mean – romantic love. Not that platonic love isn’t absolutely amazing. 

This feeling of loneliness is usually fleeting. I get a little down for awhile, but give me a second to bounce back and I’m off on another whirlwind adventure. I love whirlwind adventures. 

I can only assume that proper relationships have a happy medium between independence and lack of loneliness. No one wants to be suffocated (well, unless you’re into Fifty Shades of Grey), but anyone who claims they don’t need anybody ever is a liar. Because I think we’re all torn. And that’s where fear comes from. Because no matter what your situation – single or taken – we’re all sort of looking at things on the other side, and wondering if it might be better there. We’re just usually too scared to take the leap and find out. 

I wonder if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. 

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